Stupid People Doing Stupid Things

This past weekend I decided to take a trip to Ottawa to visit some friends and to take my mind off the wonderful shit-show that is my job. I left around noon, topped up the gas in my car and bought a big 2L bottle of Gatorade for the trip.

Roughly an hour into my 5.5 hour drive I had finished the bottle and was settling in for the long haul.  My usual method for doing this is to take my wallet and cellphone out of my pockets, take off my watch and shoes and undo my belt and pants. (It’s a ...

A couple of funny poop-related stories. The first one I’ll call “double deuce”

It was late spring in Ottawa, things were going well for me as I had decided not to go back to school and waste another year of my life getting further in debt. I had moved in with my girlfriend, but we had been dating long enough that I could ditch her for various periods to go get drunk with Alex, who happened to be in town on a job placement.

We called it the 4-month tour of awesome as we drank oursel...

Like many people College was a waste of time for me. I had to pay for all of it myself and took a course that was both useless and unnecessary. I didn’t learn anything and was horribly in debt as a result of it. I’m also fairly sure that it began the slow slide to me becoming the thundering fatass that I am today.

Having said all of that, it was one of the better years of my life as I went from ultra-loser quiet Jesse to super-awesome manly Jesse over the course of my year+ there.

It wa...

Unlike all you lazy chuds who work for the government, I actually had to go to work on this Rememberance Day because I have a job doesn’t reward me over the fact that a lot of soldiers gave their lives for our country.

Clearly you can see that I am jealous about not getting the day off. Overall one would assume this would make me have a shitty day at work. Normally I would agree as most of my days at work are shitty.

Today oddly enough was an exception. I actually had a pretty decent day ...

From: Jesse Patterson [mailto:jpatterson@persona.ca]
Sent: March 17, 2008 9:22 AM
To: Bucko, Alex
Subject: Jesse, Andy and Craig's Night on the Town

Well my friend, it is a shame you weren't up here this past Saturday instead of this coming one, after the hangover I had Sunday morning I doubt I will go balls-out drinking like that again for a while. I'll still go out Saturday with you and Trevor here, but it will not be the triple-fisting night of awesomeness that I just had. A few gloriously ...

E-Mail From Alex Bucko from his work account to my work account. Alex is currently back in Ottawa after spending a weekend in Sudbury.

On Saturday evening, we met up with Alex at Boston Pizza and left there to go to the Nightclub in downtown Sudbury. For those who don’t know.. the “JPSneak” is a move I use all too often where I ditch my friends without telling them I am going, cab home and let them figure it out on their own. Usually I will do this after getting someone to promise they...

The following is an e-mail I sent to Alex after a weekend of camping.

>Subject: The Near-Demise of Craig (not one of my funny stories, but LONG)
>Date: Mon, 23 Jul 2007 07:34:59 -0400

So this weekend we went on a scouting mission at Halfway Lake Provinical
Park to check out potential sites for my August Camping extravaganza. We
got there Saturday at noon and were staying until Sunday afternoon. Matt
and Kayleigh were coming up from Timmins Sat night to meet us at the park
at roughly 8:00pm s...

May Long Weekend - 2009

After working the entire weekend for the third year in a row I decided I needed a drink when I got off work on Sunday. To the best of my recollection, here is the story of the chain reaction of crappy events that mixing myself a double rye & ginger produced.

As I am a big fan of the Time-Stamp method used by Tucker Max to write some of his stories, I will attempt to do the same here, based loosely on the times that I can remember. These times are likely not accura...

Why?

I’ve gotten some feedback since posting my first story on this site and linking a few people to it.

Results so far have been pretty positive. Remarks have ranged from: “Who wrote this for you, I thought you were illiterate?” to “Are you ok?” to “Why would you post something embarrassing like this on the internet?”

That last one I feel I can answer easily. I don’t care, and I like making people laugh.

I’ve never been one to shy away from embarrassing myself to benef...

Almost Dying

Yesterday I woke up like normal, eagerly anticipating another exciting day of work. By exciting I generally mean annoying and boring. Getting yelled at by ignorant French people will never lose it’s appeal to me. At some point in the day I felt a pain in the lower left side of my back. Thinking that I injured myself at work yet again, I shrugged it off and finished my day.

I did notice that it got progressively worse over the course of the day but, since I hurt myself all the...